It has nothing to do with my widdle legs...

As always, with much respect to the real Dinosaur Comics.

SartreCat (LOL)

Failure


Do you concur, Paul?

How do I type with such widdle arms?

With apologies to Dinosaur Comics I present: D-nosaur Comics.

McSWEENEY'S CAN SUCK IT, PART II

I'd been burned, and burned bad. McSweeney's rejection left me shattered. I had been so sure that we were perfect for each other, and then to see it spending all of its time with lists like "What Pathologists Might Name Their Daughters" or "Spinoffs of Dancing with the Stars for the Common Man"-- tawdry, insipid lists with large breasts--I could hardly stand it.

But I couldn't give up on McSweeney's after only one rejection. In my heart I was sure that it was secretly a good online humor site, even though my friends kind of thought it was an asshole, and that, with my constant, slavish love and devotion, McSweeney's would eventually realize that it was ready for a more mature and serious list. So I sent this.

Thoughts I Had While Watching the “The Young Riders”*

Season One DVD Collection**

1. Man, those riders are young.
2. And you don’t see riding like that every day.
3. The Young Riders are just like the Young Guns,

but with more riding.

4. Shit, they’re riding again.

You will not be surprised to learn it was rejected.

*Not being a 12 year old girl, you are probably unfamiliar with the train wreck of a series that was The Young Riders. Let me just say this: it has a Baldwin in it who is not Alec.
**I know, I know - it was a pathetic attempt. I am brought low by it. I deserve rejection. I am not worthy of McSweeney's affection. I am worthless.

McSWEENEY'S CAN SUCK IT

I feel it's time to get real. I mean really real.
For realzies.

Here goes: All I want in life is for some online entity that caters to sardonic, over educated, underemployed, check-out-my-obscure-t-shirt, of-course-I-love-Mars-Volta, too-cool-4-school urban hipsters to acknowledge me.

I'm here! I'm funny! Look at me, goddamnit! It's like high school all over again.*

But like an awkward, bookish, flat-chested, boyish-looking teen girl attempting to get the leader of the skateboarding stoners to invite her to eat her lunch outside while watching him ollie and smoke, I am rebuffed time and time again. Like a big loser.**

So, as a way of masochistically poking the point of rejection deep into the eye of failure, I am going to post the first of many rejected McSweeney's Lists submission.

FACIAL HAIR TRENDS

TO REPLACE THE IRONIC MUSTACHE***

1. Metonymic goatee

2. Anaphoric sideburns

3. Synechdochic eyebrows

Total content of rejection email: "Tempting, but still a pass."

*Without the hallucinogens and the cutting, natch.
**This is an entirely fictional situation. I've always been stacked and super-popular.
***I mean, COME ON. This list is perfect. You need a Master's degree in Comparative Lit just to get the punchline, and it's about a phenomena familiar only to coastal urbanites. Could it get anymore obscure and elitist?!?! Fuck you, McSweeney's.