Thursday, March 26, 2009

Jerks of the Sea: Haiku

Coelacanths are jerks:

"Check out my rostral organ!"

"Who's extinct now, bitch?"


Starfish are jerks, too.

Radial symmetry. You

want a fucking prize?

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Narwhals can stick their

horns where the sun don't shine, like

beneath an ice floe

Brian Hurley said...

Jack! Rose! Jack! Rose! Jack!

Rose! Jack! Rose! Jack! Rose! Jack! Rose!

Jack! Rose! Jack! Rose! Jack!

Guido Paparazzi said...

Brian, is that a reference to MGS2?!

Brian Hurley said...

It's a reference to the theory, propounded by former Chilean president Ricardo Lagos and certain online conspiracy theorists, that when Gondwana split apart in the Late Cretaceous period, and Antarctica was severed from Australia, the creatures that eventually evolved into humans were present on the nascent continent of Antarctica, and that humans (or some type of humanoids) have always lived there, albeit in crude and maladjusted forms. The humanoids of Antarctica would live beneath the glaciers, obviously, where it's possible to find water at great depths and pressures, since ice turns back into water when you crush it with enough weight (like the weight of a continent full of ice). These humanoids would subsist on algae, natural gas, and bacteria that they cultivate in frozen chambers and pockets within the ice. Their sharp forearms would be their digging tools, and their black, sun-absorbing hides would be covered with thin, translucent white hairs, much like polar bears. So far I'm with Ricardo Lagos: it's far-fetched, but certainly within the realm of possibility, given the fierce ability of living matter to adapt to its surroundings. But most of these "theories" go on to speculate that the highly refined bacteria, algae, and natural gases (welling up from the depressed crust of the earth, where our planet kind of sinks at its northern and southern axes) can be preserved, or frozen, for long enough to journey northward, into the more habitable continents, and that some of these bacteria are so advanced they can control our thoughts. So every time you see a world leader at a podium, giving a speech about how we're going to save the world, and he's drinking from a nice, clean glass of water on the table? That water is full of sentient bacteria from Antactica, cultivated by a forgotten race of half-frozen humanoids who are secretly using climate change to drown us all and take control of the Earth. Are you still reading? Actually no, it's a reference to the movie Titanic. Leo di Caprio and Kate Winslet are the jerks of the sea? Anybody? His character dies? It's funny?

Haikus For Jerks said...

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Haikus-For-Jerks/215488398479765