II, the Millionaire and his
wife, SeaQuest, this guy:
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Jerks of the Sea: Haiku
Coelacanths are jerks:"Check out my rostral organ!"
"Who's extinct now, bitch?"
Starfish are jerks, too.
Radial symmetry. You
want a fucking prize?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Songs About Paul
Paul Out of Love
Paul I Need is a Miracle
Paul You Need is Love
WonderPaul
Sexy Motherfucker
Paul I Need is a Miracle
Paul You Need is Love
WonderPaul
Sexy Motherfucker
Monday, March 16, 2009
I Love Sad Songs, the 70s Edition
Space Oddity - David Bowie*
Suicide by cold, vacuous, infinity. Makes your little wrist slitting attempt seem lame indeed.
That's the Way I've Always Heard It Should Be - Carly Simon
Listen as Carly guts the concept of a lasting, happy marriage. I don't know if the songstress thought these lyrics were ultimately optimistic, but the feeble final refrain ("We'll marry") is buried beneath the overwhelming evidence that wedding vows lead to misery. So he thinks it's time to move in together? Run!
The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot
A dirge that relayed the true story of a freighter that had sunk in Lake Superior the year before, taking all hands with it. This song hit #2 on the Billboard chart. For realzies.
At Seventeen - Janis Ian
My mother introduced me to this song and for that I shall forever be ungrateful. In my ugliest, loneliest moments, it never fails to run through my brain like some wretched little anthem. "I learned the truth at seventeen that love was meant for beauty queens…" Pathetic? Oh yes.
Tapestry - Carol King
There is no justice in a world where a man can cruelly and pointlessly be turned into a toad.
Taxi - Harry Chapin
You see, she was gonna be an actress, and he was gonna learn how to fly and, well, things didn’t work out for them at all, because now she is shamming domestic bliss and he’s a strung out cabbie. I can’t even listen to this song.**
Perfect Day - Lou Reed
The crown jewel of sad 70s songs. The melancholy. The self-loathing. The pathetic-ness. And then, that surprising backswing of spite: You’re going to reap just what you sow, you’re going to reeeeaaap just whaaaaaat you sow... It’s a perfect song.
*OK, Space Oddity was original released in 1969, but it was re-released on an album of the same name in 1972, so I'm counting it.
** Some listeners may be struck by the thematic similarities between Chapin's Taxi and Dan Fogelberg's Same Old Lang Syne, another song of post-romance synchronicity. If so, then kudos to you.
Suicide by cold, vacuous, infinity. Makes your little wrist slitting attempt seem lame indeed.
That's the Way I've Always Heard It Should Be - Carly Simon
Listen as Carly guts the concept of a lasting, happy marriage. I don't know if the songstress thought these lyrics were ultimately optimistic, but the feeble final refrain ("We'll marry") is buried beneath the overwhelming evidence that wedding vows lead to misery. So he thinks it's time to move in together? Run!
The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot
A dirge that relayed the true story of a freighter that had sunk in Lake Superior the year before, taking all hands with it. This song hit #2 on the Billboard chart. For realzies.
At Seventeen - Janis Ian
My mother introduced me to this song and for that I shall forever be ungrateful. In my ugliest, loneliest moments, it never fails to run through my brain like some wretched little anthem. "I learned the truth at seventeen that love was meant for beauty queens…" Pathetic? Oh yes.
Tapestry - Carol King
There is no justice in a world where a man can cruelly and pointlessly be turned into a toad.
Taxi - Harry Chapin
You see, she was gonna be an actress, and he was gonna learn how to fly and, well, things didn’t work out for them at all, because now she is shamming domestic bliss and he’s a strung out cabbie. I can’t even listen to this song.**
Perfect Day - Lou Reed
The crown jewel of sad 70s songs. The melancholy. The self-loathing. The pathetic-ness. And then, that surprising backswing of spite: You’re going to reap just what you sow, you’re going to reeeeaaap just whaaaaaat you sow... It’s a perfect song.
*OK, Space Oddity was original released in 1969, but it was re-released on an album of the same name in 1972, so I'm counting it.
** Some listeners may be struck by the thematic similarities between Chapin's Taxi and Dan Fogelberg's Same Old Lang Syne, another song of post-romance synchronicity. If so, then kudos to you.
Friday, March 13, 2009
D’s Annotated List of Hobbies
1. Winning spelling bees
a) in English
b) in Latin
2. Winning games of Scrabble
3. Winning Stolichnaya sponsorships
4. Honing my winning personality1
5. Reviving dead languages
a) Please see my solo recording of “Roxanne” in Aramaic
b) Feel free to drop by my next Proto-Indo-European Enthusiast’s Tea Party
6. Polishing my “me” diamond
7. Polishing my “me” diamond’s platinum setting
8. Polishing my Tri-State Area Doggerel Champion, 2008 trophy
9. Pointing out egregious examples of imperialism and sexism in treasured though tragically flawed second-wave feminist young adult fantasy novels
10. Creating internet memes
11. Profiting from my created internet memes
a) See my “Saying a Day from SartreCat” Calendar (Running Press, 2009)
b) See my “All Your Moods Are Belong to Us” Mood Rings, available at any fine retailer
12. Assiduously avoiding nuts
a) Human
b) Almond
13. Sleeping with Macarthur Genius Grant Winners
14. Avoiding Macarthur Genius Grant Winners subsequent phone calls2
15. Debunking
16. Spelunking
17. Witch-dunking
18. Out-punking
a) in English
b) in Latin
2. Winning games of Scrabble
3. Winning Stolichnaya sponsorships
4. Honing my winning personality1
5. Reviving dead languages
a) Please see my solo recording of “Roxanne” in Aramaic
b) Feel free to drop by my next Proto-Indo-European Enthusiast’s Tea Party
6. Polishing my “me” diamond
7. Polishing my “me” diamond’s platinum setting
8. Polishing my Tri-State Area Doggerel Champion, 2008 trophy
9. Pointing out egregious examples of imperialism and sexism in treasured though tragically flawed second-wave feminist young adult fantasy novels
10. Creating internet memes
11. Profiting from my created internet memes
a) See my “Saying a Day from SartreCat” Calendar (Running Press, 2009)
b) See my “All Your Moods Are Belong to Us” Mood Rings, available at any fine retailer
12. Assiduously avoiding nuts
a) Human
b) Almond
13. Sleeping with Macarthur Genius Grant Winners
14. Avoiding Macarthur Genius Grant Winners subsequent phone calls2
15. Debunking
16. Spelunking
17. Witch-dunking
18. Out-punking
__________________
1 All of the above could have been condensed into one pastime: winning. But for the sake of transparency, I have chosen to enumerate this sampling of the areas of life in which I am supreme.
2 And “sexting.”
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
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