MORE D-NOSAUR COMICS

ANGSTY POEMS THAT PAUL MIGHT HAVE WRITTEN IN HIGH SCHOOL 2

New Feelings

I want to make a sandwich; a you/me sandwich.

And I can’t tell you, because, you know, it might get wierd.
Maybe I can try to forget your face, your pellucid, ubiquitous face.

Give yourself to me.
All of your sweet-ass self.
You be the linguica, me the mayo.

J DARES, I DO: THE RESPONSES

My Alpha Seeks Beta personal ad has caught the eye of a few potential suitors, so I've divided the responses into the following groups.

This Is a Joke
Some of my respondees are clearly underemployed wags who troll Craigslist daily, searching out opportunities to make fun of people and then brag to their friends about it. Which is not at all like what I'm doing. GPFJRI responded with a succinct "NOT !!!!" Note the number of exclamation points. This dude is for realzies. Prodious, on the other hand, took a slightly more subtle route with "great i can feel the life force draining out of me already....how exciting!!" Still a lot of exclamation points.

I Don't Get It
Others were confused by the entire nature of the alpha/beta relationship. Nycmoviefun wrote that he seeks "a woman that might be open to exploring her more aggressive side (but only in private). " WTeff? Public recognition of my superiority is the only reason I placed this ad (uh, excluding the dare.) Let me tell you something privately, Nycmoviefun: you're a misogynistic douche.

But even Nycmoviefun couldn't compare to kiwiguy1049 who sent me his own ad, "Dominant Guy Seeks Submissive Pet." I'm unclear if he was challenging my authority or giving me pointers. This leads nicely into the next group

You're Talking About Sex, Right?
All I'm going to say about this group is, No, I wasn't. And eeewwww.

And finally, there was this guy, from a group I call
I'm Actually Considering This One
"In the past, I have served many needs of the mistress including that of a chauffeur, Personal Groomer (massages, pedicures, manicures), Domestic Home Care Specialist (cleaning, vacuuming, scrubbing, the organization of closets and cooking), Errand Boy (picking up groceries, dry cleaning, laundry and most anything else) and Lawn Boy." Holla!

ANGSTY POEMS THAT PAUL MIGHT HAVE WRITTEN IN HIGH SCHOOL

I Would Shrink My Stature If I Could, But Never My Love For You

My eyes cry out for you
with tongues of love—
Flaming tongues of love.
Of loving love.

Loving love that could release this tortured soul from the twisting branches of black pain with flowering buds of slightly more black sorrow that have forced themselves down my throat, past my scream box and around my heart.

The sticky-out bits poke
at my heart.

It HURTS!

My heart.
My giant fucking heart.

But you can't see my eyes, soulful girl from second period European History.
No, you can't see my wild, tongue-filled, flaming eyes.
You only see the LIE-filled eyes of your boyfriend.
Your cruel-eyed boyfriend.
Your boyfriend who can never understand you like I could if you lost yourself in the solace of my
arms
and mouth
and
slippery crevasses.
If you whispered your
wideeyedinnocentdirtyscaredbravefatbutskinnydiddaddytouchme?
secrets into my ear.

Your rapist-boyfriend.

You cannot see my eyes.
You cannot see my eyes!
Look up over your head, goddamnit!
LOOK UP!

J DARES, I DO

I expect the responses to my new personal ad
on Craigslist to start pouring in at any moment.