Paulie All the Time

Guess Who, Mother F*cker.

2011-06-03T12:00:00.000-04:00

You love to play Guess Who? and you also love early 80's California punk, but you are pretty sure that Milton Bradley wouldn't know hardcore if it flexed its beefy neck and screamed in his general direction? Now you can have the best of both worlds.

Chart via WFMU

Here’s a transcript of a round I played with a friend.

Me: Do you have hair?
Friend: Yes. Do you have a hat?
Me: No. Is your hair black?
Friend: Yes. Are you a man?
Me: Yes. Do you enjoy free weights and listening to the Stooges?
Friend: No. Is your hair straight?
Me: Yes. Are you Bill Stevenson, drummer for Black Flag in 1983 and founding member of The Descendants?
Friend: Yes. You win.

Memoir

2011-02-10T12:02:00.011-05:00

Donald Rumsfeld has titled his new memoir Known and Unknown, which hearkens back to this piece of wisdom that he shared during a DOD briefing on February 12, 2002.

"As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know."

If this sounds familiar, it's because the quote was selected by Hart Seeley as part of his collection, Pieces of Intelligence: The Existential Poetry of Donald H. Rumsfeld. Perhaps you remember Slate's coverage of the story.

In other words, Rumsfeld named his memoir to commemorate a moment in his life which resulted in his being roundly mocked international in print and on TV. This has inspired me to come up with a list of potential titles for my memoir.

Zipped and Unzipped

If I'd Known You Were Native American I Wouldn't Have Sung That Song

It's Not Funny

Stop Laughing

I Mean It, Guys

You Told Him I Said That?!

That Time I Farted

McSweeney's Can Not Suck It. No, wait, I was wrong. They Can Still Suck It

2011-02-10T11:51:00.003-05:00

Another list, another rejection. I hate myself and I want to die.

Why We Don't Do It In the Road

Cars

Rocks

Trucks

I have a headache

Getting Married, America Style

2010-03-30T16:12:00.001-04:00

Oh, the shame! The shame!

2010-01-25T13:07:00.004-05:00

D-Rex is eternally grateful to Ryan North and Dinosaur Comics.

Letter to a First Grader

2009-11-09T17:03:00.007-05:00

Dear Emma,

My name is XXXXX. I hope this letter finds you well. Like you, I grew up in XXXXX but I now live in Brooklyn, which is part of New York City. New York is much bigger than XXXXX. It’s very crowded, and people walk very fast. I ride the subway to work every day and I don’t own a car. I miss driving, but I’m glad I don’t have to deal with traffic on my way to work.

I work for a book publisher. That's a company that makes books. My job is to help create book covers. To do that I have to wake up early every morning and sit in a little cube all day while people come by and bother me. For this I am poorly compensated.

From time to time throughout the work day, I pause to eye my letter opener, wondering idly what it would feel like to jam it into my hand. Sometimes I get so far as picking it up, but I am usually interrupted before I can even reach for it.

I'm sure you know this tedium, Emma. It's very much like the feeling of finishing a test early except that it never stops. No one else ever finishes the test. We all go home and when we return the next day, everyone else continues the test, and the cycle repeats uninterrupted save for the occasional moron leaning in to ask for the answer to a question they should already know.

I do this for 8 hours at a time. Remember nap time? Eight hours is like 16 nap times together.

Don't worry if this sounds boring, Emma. In this economy I would gratefully accept a position servicing bus stop drifters in exchange for an almost-living wage. And it's not all bad. The alienation that prevents me from making any lasting attachments with other people has allowed me free time to pursue my hobbies, like gun collecting. And pornography.

I've also become quite adept at sublimating my impotent rage into activities like "blogging" while maintaining an outwardly cool facade of detached amusement and knowitallism. This is called being a hipster.

Well, it's time for me to get back to work and its accompanying sense of existential horror. I don’t know if you are supposed to write back. If so, I’m curious what your favorite subject in school is and what you want to be when you grow up. Remember to pay attention and work hard in school!

Sincerely,
XXXXX

[Co-written with M. T. ]

You've Been

2009-08-07T09:37:00.001-04:00

Wang Ganged.

Jerks of the..Land?!?

2009-08-06T13:13:00.003-04:00

There are jerks on the

land, too. Check out this oryx.

He's a real douchbag.

Pay Up, Little, Brown

2009-08-04T14:13:00.004-04:00

Gawker reports today that a writer named Jordan Scott has accused Stephanie Meyer's of plagiarizing matrimonial and sex scenes in Breaking Dawn from her own vampire novel, The Nocturne. After reading the evidence provided, I have come to realize that I, too, am one of Meyer's victims. Check out these suspicious similarities between excerpts of Twilight and my high school journal. The evidence speaks for itself.

Twilight
I felt a surge of pity, and relief. Pity because, as beautiful as they were, they were outsiders, clearly not accepted. Relief that I wasn’t the only newcomer here, and certainly not the most interesting by any standard.

My Journal
I saw Calvin Kole* at lunch today. He is sooo hottt! Too bad he doesn’t know I’m alive. I hate Tammy Godfrey with the power of a thousand flaming suns, and the rest of her cheerleader bitch friends.
Sigh.
__________
Twilight
I’d noticed that his eyes were black – coal black.

My Journal
Calvin Kole's eyes are blue – ice blue. Sigh.
__________
Twilight
His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.

My Journal
I want to have sex with Calvin Kole.
Oh yeah, and his skin is sparkly.
__________
Twilight
I sat without moving, more frightened of him than I had ever been. I’d never seen him so completely freed of that carefully cultivated facade. He’d never been less human… or more beautiful.

My Journal
Went to hockey game with Beth last night. Calvin Kole scored five points. He is so beautiful. He moves with the liquid grace and freedom of an ice skating bear, and plays with the same ferocity. He spits a lot, too.

*Some names have been changed to protect my pride.

Winner!

2009-07-21T14:51:00.004-04:00

Cakewrecks is having a contest to caption this picture:

I've submitted an entry that I think has raised the general tone of the comments. You should do the same.

Another Thing I Might Worry About If I Were a Robot

2009-05-20T16:25:00.003-04:00

Is it wrong to fuck the TiVo?

Things I Might Worry About If I Were a Robot

2009-05-20T14:18:00.002-04:00

Rust
Electrical surges
My place in the singularity
Bigger, stronger robots
Robo-AIDS

PS- I might also worry about these and this.

Jerks of the Sea: A Reprise

2009-04-30T11:32:00.014-04:00

Are Blue Whales Jerks? Yes.
"You should lay off the krill, babe.
You've put on some weight."

Don't ever fall for
Cyanobacteria.
They'll just break your heart.

"Your mesoglea
must be jelly, because jam
don't contract like that."

It has nothing to do with my widdle legs...

2009-04-21T12:49:00.004-04:00

As always, with much respect to the real Dinosaur Comics.

Lame Urban Legends

2009-04-15T16:28:00.003-04:00

#3
This guy is driving through Alabama and meets these strangers who invite him to go to a party where he gets absolutely hammered and blacks out. He wakes up the next morning completely disoriented and doesn’t know where he is. He has this sharp pain in his lower back and when he cranes his head around he can see a fresh bandage has been taped there. A doctor tells him that last night his kidney was surgically removed. Then a nurse comes in and says that he was lucky he wrecked his car so close to the hospital or he would have died before they could remove his crushed kidney.

Don't drink and drive.

#4
Did you hear that this guy just escaped from the state mental hospital? It's on all the news stations. And, get this, he has a hook (!) for a hand--one of those prosthetic hook-things that can grab and stuff. Guy lost his real hand in Kabul. Pretty sad actually. He has crazybad PTSD. Wanna go make out in the woods?

I've Invested in Some Art

2009-04-09T11:49:00.005-04:00

Courtesy of http://www.brandonbird.com/

Lame Urban Legends

2009-04-08T15:13:00.004-04:00

#1.
So the story goes that there was once this extremely ancient hideous crone who lived in that farmhouse on Tucker Road--the one that's all falling apart now. So yeah, she lived there and she had this pear tree out front that grew crazy mad pears that everyone wanted to eat but she was always like "Don't touch my pears" when kids would come by. "Don't touch my pears!" "Don't touch my pears!" I'm sure it got really old after a while. So then like these two kids decided, eff it, we want some pears, so they waited until it got dark and then crept super-silently to the crone's house and proceeded to stuff themselves with pears until they almost horked. Almost. And then they high-fived each other and went back home.

But the next day, while the kids were laying home sick in bed from having eaten such a prodigious amount of pears the night before, the old crone came into the house. Their parents were out in the field or some shit. Right. So she comes into the house and they can hear her, over and over again, saying "Who ate my pears? Who ate my pears?" And they are seriously freaked out, because this woman is seriously ancient and seriously ugly and therefore must be seriously evil. They can hear her in the kitchen: Who ate my pears? Who ate my pears? Then they can hear her on the bottom stair: Who ate my pears? Who ate my pears? Then she is at the end of the hallway, still like Who ate my pears? Who ate my pears? And then, oh and the kids are just about wetting the bed because they are so scared that this evil witch is going to come into the room and stab them or disembowel them or something, and then the door opens sloooooooooowly and then the witch is in the doorway! (!!!) And then she is at the foot of the bed that the kids are in (I forgot to mention that they shared a bed since it's old timey or they were poor or something) she is at the foot of the bed and the kids are crying under the covers WHO ATE MY PEARS? WHO ATE MY PEARS? And then she yanks the blanket off the bed, exposing the two crying, snotty, shaking kids and she says, "Listen you little bastards, I was going to use those pears to make preserves for the jelly competition at the fair in September, which I have won four years in a row, but now I don't have enough pears to make it, so thank you for ruining one of the few pleasures left to an old woman like myself. I hope you both feel really bad about what you've done," and then she left.

AND if you go into that farm house on Tucker Road, it's said you can still hear the sounds of her quietly weeping into the empty mason jars that had been intended to hold all her prize-winning pear preserves.

True Story

#2
My cousin goes to Loyalla and she knows this couple that went to Mexico for spring break and the whole time they were there, the girl was just bitching and moaning about how much she wanted to get one of those nasty hairless Mexican dogs, and she just kept at it for days until her boyfriend was ready to kill himself. So he finally was like, OK, Get a damn dog, which she did. She bought him from one of those "chicle chicle" kids for about $5 American and she named it Chalupa. Then they went back to Chicago and they had a dinner party and one of the guests there was a veterinarian, so when the woman brought the dog out to meet everyone, he was like, "OH MY GOD!!! I hate to tell you guys this, but this dog is severely malnourished. Poor thing. You should put him on a special diet. I'll write down what you need to buy at the store."

More Jerks of the Sea: Haiku

2009-03-31T16:15:00.005-04:00

Jaws, Jabberjaw, Jaws

II, the Millionaire and his

wife, SeaQuest, this guy:

Jerks of the Sea: Haiku

2009-03-26T14:28:00.008-04:00

Coelacanths are jerks:

"Check out my rostral organ!"

"Who's extinct now, bitch?"

Starfish are jerks, too.

Radial symmetry. You

want a fucking prize?

My Cultural Appropriation Knows No Bounds

2009-03-23T19:25:00.004-04:00

dstk

Songs About Paul

2009-03-23T13:47:00.004-04:00

Paul Out of Love
Paul I Need is a Miracle
Paul You Need is Love
WonderPaul
Sexy Motherfucker

I Love Sad Songs, the 70s Edition

2009-03-16T13:30:00.006-04:00

Space Oddity - David Bowie*
Suicide by cold, vacuous, infinity. Makes your little wrist slitting attempt seem lame indeed.

That's the Way I've Always Heard It Should Be - Carly Simon
Listen as Carly guts the concept of a lasting, happy marriage. I don't know if the songstress thought these lyrics were ultimately optimistic, but the feeble final refrain ("We'll marry") is buried beneath the overwhelming evidence that wedding vows lead to misery. So he thinks it's time to move in together? Run!

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot
A dirge that relayed the true story of a freighter that had sunk in Lake Superior the year before, taking all hands with it. This song hit #2 on the Billboard chart. For realzies.

At Seventeen - Janis Ian
My mother introduced me to this song and for that I shall forever be ungrateful. In my ugliest, loneliest moments, it never fails to run through my brain like some wretched little anthem. "I learned the truth at seventeen that love was meant for beauty queens…" Pathetic? Oh yes.

Tapestry - Carol King
There is no justice in a world where a man can cruelly and pointlessly be turned into a toad.

Taxi - Harry Chapin
You see, she was gonna be an actress, and he was gonna learn how to fly and, well, things didn’t work out for them at all, because now she is shamming domestic bliss and he’s a strung out cabbie. I can’t even listen to this song.**

Perfect Day - Lou Reed
The crown jewel of sad 70s songs. The melancholy. The self-loathing. The pathetic-ness. And then, that surprising backswing of spite: You’re going to reap just what you sow, you’re going to reeeeaaap just whaaaaaat you sow... It’s a perfect song.

*OK, Space Oddity was original released in 1969, but it was re-released on an album of the same name in 1972, so I'm counting it.
** Some listeners may be struck by the thematic similarities between Chapin's Taxi and Dan Fogelberg's Same Old Lang Syne, another song of post-romance synchronicity. If so, then kudos to you.

D’s Annotated List of Hobbies

2009-03-13T13:23:00.009-04:00

1. Winning spelling bees
    a) in English
    b) in Latin
2. Winning games of Scrabble
3. Winning Stolichnaya sponsorships
4. Honing my winning personality¹
5. Reviving dead languages
    a) Please see my solo recording of “Roxanne” in Aramaic
    b) Feel free to drop by my next Proto-Indo-European Enthusiast’s Tea Party
6. Polishing my “me” diamond
7. Polishing my “me” diamond’s platinum setting
8. Polishing my Tri-State Area Doggerel Champion, 2008 trophy
9. Pointing out egregious examples of imperialism and sexism in treasured though tragically flawed second-wave feminist young adult fantasy novels
10. Creating internet memes
11. Profiting from my created internet memes
    a) See my “Saying a Day from SartreCat” Calendar (Running Press, 2009)
    b) See my “All Your Moods Are Belong to Us” Mood Rings, available at any fine retailer
12. Assiduously avoiding nuts
    a) Human
    b) Almond
13. Sleeping with Macarthur Genius Grant Winners
14. Avoiding Macarthur Genius Grant Winners subsequent phone calls²
15. Debunking
16. Spelunking
17. Witch-dunking
18. Out-punking

__________________
¹ All of the above could have been condensed into one pastime: winning. But for the sake of transparency, I have chosen to enumerate this sampling of the areas of life in which I am supreme.
² And “sexting.”

Garfield - Garfield - John + Nietzsche + Me

2009-03-12T11:11:00.002-04:00

EVEN MORE D-NOSAUR COMICS

2009-03-10T13:14:00.004-04:00

Garfield minus Garfield minus John plus Nietzsche

2009-02-26T13:25:00.004-05:00

With apologies to Jim Davis, Dan Walsh and thanks to Niti Bagchi.

THIS DOG...

2009-02-25T16:08:00.005-05:00

makes me happy.
Look at him eating that peanut butter!
Way to go!

Choose Your Own Adventure

2009-02-25T15:58:00.006-05:00

Read Me

ANGSTY POEMS THAT PAUL MIGHT HAVE WRITTEN IN HIGH SCHOOL (The Holiday Edition)

2008-12-18T15:26:00.005-05:00

My Feelings About the Season Can be Best Summarized in this Rhyming Couplet

Jingle Bell Rock?

Jingle Bell suck my cock.

MORE D-NOSAUR COMICS

2008-10-21T12:57:00.003-04:00

ANGSTY POEMS THAT PAUL MIGHT HAVE WRITTEN IN HIGH SCHOOL 2

2008-10-10T12:50:00.007-04:00

New Feelings

I want to make a sandwich; a you/me sandwich.

And I can’t tell you, because, you know, it might get wierd.
Maybe I can try to forget your face, your pellucid, ubiquitous face.

Give yourself to me.
All of your sweet-ass self.
You be the linguica, me the mayo.

J DARES, I DO: THE RESPONSES

2008-10-08T16:16:00.009-04:00

My Alpha Seeks Beta personal ad has caught the eye of a few potential suitors, so I've divided the responses into the following groups.

This Is a Joke
Some of my respondees are clearly underemployed wags who troll Craigslist daily, searching out opportunities to make fun of people and then brag to their friends about it. Which is not at all like what I'm doing. GPFJRI responded with a succinct "NOT !!!!" Note the number of exclamation points. This dude is for realzies. Prodious, on the other hand, took a slightly more subtle route with "great i can feel the life force draining out of me already....how exciting!!" Still a lot of exclamation points.

I Don't Get It
Others were confused by the entire nature of the alpha/beta relationship. Nycmoviefun wrote that he seeks "a woman that might be open to exploring her more aggressive side (but only in private). " WTeff? Public recognition of my superiority is the only reason I placed this ad (uh, excluding the dare.) Let me tell you something privately, Nycmoviefun: you're a misogynistic douche.

But even Nycmoviefun couldn't compare to kiwiguy1049 who sent me his own ad, "Dominant Guy Seeks Submissive Pet." I'm unclear if he was challenging my authority or giving me pointers. This leads nicely into the next group

You're Talking About Sex, Right?
All I'm going to say about this group is, No, I wasn't. And eeewwww.

And finally, there was this guy, from a group I call
I'm Actually Considering This One
"In the past, I have served many needs of the mistress including that of a chauffeur, Personal Groomer (massages, pedicures, manicures), Domestic Home Care Specialist (cleaning, vacuuming, scrubbing, the organization of closets and cooking), Errand Boy (picking up groceries, dry cleaning, laundry and most anything else) and Lawn Boy." Holla!

ANGSTY POEMS THAT PAUL MIGHT HAVE WRITTEN IN HIGH SCHOOL

2008-10-07T17:01:00.005-04:00

I Would Shrink My Stature If I Could, But Never My Love For You

My eyes cry out for you
with tongues of love—
Flaming tongues of love.
Of loving love.

Loving love that could release this tortured soul from the twisting branches of black pain with flowering buds of slightly more black sorrow that have forced themselves down my throat, past my scream box and around my heart.

The sticky-out bits poke
at my heart.

It HURTS!

My heart.
My giant fucking heart.

But you can't see my eyes, soulful girl from second period European History.
No, you can't see my wild, tongue-filled, flaming eyes.
You only see the LIE-filled eyes of your boyfriend.
Your cruel-eyed boyfriend.
Your boyfriend who can never understand you like I could if you lost yourself in the solace of my
arms
and mouth
and
slippery crevasses.
If you whispered your
wideeyedinnocentdirtyscaredbravefatbutskinnydiddaddytouchme?
secrets into my ear.

Your rapist-boyfriend.

You cannot see my eyes.
You cannot see my eyes!
Look up over your head, goddamnit!
LOOK UP!

J DARES, I DO

2008-10-07T11:14:00.005-04:00

I expect the responses to my new personal ad
on Craigslist to start pouring in at any moment.

I HAVE RETURNED!

2008-09-25T13:01:00.003-04:00

When there is something queer
in your solarium,
for whom shall you send a runner?

Phantasm Expungers!

When there are eidolons
In your cuirasse bodice,
Grab and hansom cab to

Phantasm Expungers!

When your antimacassars
float o’er your fainting couch,
and you’ve drunk no laudanum,

Phantasm Expungers!

I am not made craven by any spectres.

CaMew (LOL)

2008-09-15T15:52:00.002-04:00

L'Etranger

SartreCat (LOL)

2008-09-12T16:39:00.004-04:00

God

SartreCat (LOL)

2008-09-12T12:48:00.004-04:00

Failure

Do you concur, Paul?

BOOYA

2008-09-10T16:20:00.005-04:00

Vivre la différance.

How do I type with such widdle arms?

2008-09-08T17:01:00.010-04:00

With apologies to Dinosaur Comics I present: D-nosaur Comics.

THINGS TALLER THAN PAUL

2008-09-02T20:37:00.003-04:00

T-Rex on stilts

Sequoia that has been launched into space

God, maybe

OH. DEAR. GOD.

2008-09-02T16:59:00.006-04:00

Milwaukee, you are off my Christmas list. For realzies.

I FINALLY CARE ABOUT MILWAUKEE

2008-09-02T14:24:00.002-04:00

I'm a little backward when it comes to national "news," so somehow I missed that the city of Milwaukee has entered the ranks of other largely forgetable burgs that erect statues of long-past-use-by-date movie and tv characters in an attempt to lure people with layovers out of the local airport.* But I'm happy to report that in this case, Milwaukee did it up right by erecting a bronze statue of popular Happy Days character Arthur Fonzarelli. Now I applaud all Fonzie related activities, so this statue definitely gets two thumbs up from me. But I can't find any pictures of the effing thing.

Why all the secrecy, Milwaukee? Did you manage to fuck this up? Because that would be almost as uncool as the time that Ralph Malph tried to put the moves on Pinky Tuscadero while Fonzie was in the bathroom at Arnold's helping Richie regain enough confidence to ask Wendy to the drive-in. That was like school on Saturday: no class.

Someone find me a picture!

*Biologists consider this phenomenom to be an example of adaptive mutation. Creationist consider Happy Days to be an example of Satan's excrement.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS SINCE 1992

2008-09-01T21:21:00.001-04:00

No big whoop, they say,

which means the same as big whoop.

What the fuck is whoop?

G.I.L.F.

2008-08-30T01:07:00.006-04:00

McCain finally announced his choice for running mate today, and it is, as I hoped, Sarah Palin,

The Prettiest Governor Ever!!!

Sigh. She's a sparkly princess. I want her to brush my hair.

Still, the Senator from Arizona's plan to secure my vote by choosing one of the ladies from Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" video as his veep has failed.* I want to be perfectly clear about one thing. No party will ever get my support until they finally put forth a candidate from the demographic most dear to my heart: hot teenage boys.

*She's pretty, white and has a vagina. Hey, me too! It's a no-brainer!

HSHOWPWP

2008-08-29T11:27:00.001-04:00

This week I logged in 10 Hours Spent Hanging Out With Paul WITH Phil.

You read that right.

Like Zephyrus, Phil breezed into NY for the weekend, gently mussed every one's hair and then blew away again.* There were stories. There were laughs. There were drinks. There were chunks of time that I cannot remember.** All in all, it was lovely. Or so I've been told.

Can anyone explain how I got these bruises?

*Alternate metaphor: "Like some arrow loosed by Hermes himself, Phil fleeted from Greece across the Atlantic and lodged himself smack dab in the throat of Manhattan, which subsequently drowned in its own blood."
**Show me photographic PROOF of this supposed "busboy incident."

J's EUROPEAN VACATION

2008-08-27T13:30:00.004-04:00

J has been abroad, and I have been pretty inconsolable. As a way to combat the loneliness and boredom, I thought I would share these pictures of her travels in England and Ireland.

Upon arrival in "Jolly Olde* England," J's first stop was an authentic English "pub" where she could enjoy a "a missing link wif some chubb geezers" after which she and a few other lemons picked up some more Tom and Phils (being bloody Hank Marvin by this time of night) and went back to her flat for a little Rusel Harty where she got so Olivered she fell on her aris prompting the other birds to take the Mickey out of her which led to a bit of bover. Awright, mate?

This is J in front of Buckingham Palace, home of the dessicated corpse of the British Imperialism. J cried more than a few prickly tears.

Next J went to Ireland.** In this photo she is posing in front of an ancient Celtic ruin, no doubt originally built as an altar where human sacrifices were made to the pagan potato god in order to ensure the supplicants would be saddled with thousands more starving, unclothed brats.

Here is J posing with my ex-boyfriend, Donnchaidh Ó Baoighealláin, and his friend Maoldòmhnaich Flaithbheartach*** outside of the dole office. I don't miss him or his Irish curse at all.

Come home soon, J!

*The extra "e" is for effete.
**"Land" is derived from the Celtic word for "land" and "Ire" is from the Celtic word for "filthy, drunken, inveterate theives."

***Pronounced Porrig O'Shaughnessy and Sully Dougall.

McSWEENEY'S CAN SUCK IT, PART II

2008-08-26T00:49:00.000-04:00

I'd been burned, and burned bad. McSweeney's rejection left me shattered. I had been so sure that we were perfect for each other, and then to see it spending all of its time with lists like "What Pathologists Might Name Their Daughters" or "Spinoffs of Dancing with the Stars for the Common Man"-- tawdry, insipid lists with large breasts--I could hardly stand it.

But I couldn't give up on McSweeney's after only one rejection. In my heart I was sure that it was secretly a good online humor site, even though my friends kind of thought it was an asshole, and that, with my constant, slavish love and devotion, McSweeney's would eventually realize that it was ready for a more mature and serious list. So I sent this.

Thoughts I Had While Watching the “The Young Riders”*

Season One DVD Collection**

1. Man, those riders are young.
2. And you don’t see riding like that every day.
3. The Young Riders are just like the Young Guns,

but with more riding.

4. Shit, they’re riding again.

You will not be surprised to learn it was rejected.

*Not being a 12 year old girl, you are probably unfamiliar with the train wreck of a series that was The Young Riders. Let me just say this: it has a Baldwin in it who is not Alec.
**I know, I know - it was a pathetic attempt. I am brought low by it. I deserve rejection. I am not worthy of McSweeney's affection. I am worthless.

McSWEENEY'S CAN SUCK IT

2008-08-22T11:10:00.006-04:00

I feel it's time to get real. I mean really real.
For realzies.

Here goes: All I want in life is for some online entity that caters to sardonic, over educated, underemployed, check-out-my-obscure-t-shirt, of-course-I-love-Mars-Volta, too-cool-4-school urban hipsters to acknowledge me.

I'm here! I'm funny! Look at me, goddamnit! It's like high school all over again.*

But like an awkward, bookish, flat-chested, boyish-looking teen girl attempting to get the leader of the skateboarding stoners to invite her to eat her lunch outside while watching him ollie and smoke, I am rebuffed time and time again. Like a big loser.**

So, as a way of masochistically poking the point of rejection deep into the eye of failure, I am going to post the first of many rejected McSweeney's Lists submission.

FACIAL HAIR TRENDS

TO REPLACE THE IRONIC MUSTACHE***

1. Metonymic goatee

2. Anaphoric sideburns

3. Synechdochic eyebrows

Total content of rejection email: "Tempting, but still a pass."

*Without the hallucinogens and the cutting, natch.
**This is an entirely fictional situation. I've always been stacked and super-popular.
***I mean, COME ON. This list is perfect. You need a Master's degree in Comparative Lit just to get the punchline, and it's about a phenomena familiar only to coastal urbanites. Could it get anymore obscure and elitist?!?! Fuck you, McSweeney's.

LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT

2008-08-20T20:31:00.011-04:00

Some people have suggested to me that it is weird and creepy to create a website devoted to a single friend. But I think some people are just jealous of all my HSHOWPWP. If these people really took the time to think about Paul, and how tall he is, and the crazy mixemups and hijinks that he gets up to and his total awesomeness, then they'd see how creating a blog like this is the only response any SANE human being could have. Christ, it's not like I'm STALKING the man.

That reminds me that I have some photos I've been meaning to share.

1:06:38

1:06:54

1:07:01

1:07.03

YOU MISSED ME

2008-08-19T17:08:00.012-04:00

Damn, it's been a long time since I "blogged," and the reason for that, dear reader*, is that I've been sick sick sick. With the horking, I mean. In the end, it turned out my new roommate may not be so murderous after all.** Instead I may have an ulcer.

I know what you are thinking, but NO, it is not a syphilitic ulcer.*** It is of the good old tummy variety. So stop snickering.

In practical terms, what this means is: I cannot drink coffee. This is, without a doubt, the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Ever.

That still doesn't express the gravitas of this situation. I'll try again.

This is the worst thing that has ever happened on Earth since the beginning of time.

Worse than:

It's that effing bad. I hate you.

* Singular

*May not

**While I do in fact have syphilis, my perfect face has yet to be ravaged. Perfect, I say!

A MYSTERY

2008-08-08T20:35:00.007-04:00

I felt existentially nauseous all day. At first I thought it was the ennui. But then I realized that I haven't seen Paul for six days.

Coincidence? I thought. Unlikely.

But then I threw up. So maybe it was not existential nausea after all. Maybe it was good, old-fashioned regular nausea, triggered by rancid food or a parasitic fetus. Or maybe ...my new ro0mmate is trying to poison me!
*cue sinister music*

(To be continued...)

P vs P

2008-08-07T13:20:00.004-04:00

Paul gave me a DVD of the Futurama Movie as a housewarming present.

I do not want to discuss what Phil gave me.

Ever.

SOME OTHER PAULIES

2008-08-06T10:20:00.011-04:00

Paulie Shore

Paulie the parrot

St. Pauli Girl

This Guy

ALSO

2008-08-05T16:48:00.001-04:00

This is also a blog about J. (pictured below)

THIS IS A BLOG

2008-08-05T16:45:00.000-04:00

This is a blog about me and a guy I know named Paul. And the time that I spend with him. Without Philip. Some other guy I know.

This is a blog about the Hours Spent Hanging Out With Paul Without Philip.

But that’s not all this blog is about. This blog is also about art, and music, and poetry, and beauty, and all the meaningful, meaty things in life that we chew on like the delicate flesh of a puppy’s inner thigh. You know, where the leg meets the body?

You know.

This is a blog about great ideas, ideas that change the world, and time and space and eternity!

This is a blog about vaginas.

This -THIS- is a blog.